Entry XXIV--Spitting Image

"There are numerous examples of psychedelic mushrooms in the background of religious and spiritual iconography and artwork across the world. The red and white Ana, err, make that A-man-ita mus-car-ia mushroom appears prominently in both hindu and medieval christian artwork."

According to the script, supposed to pause here for the Video Operator to project the substantiating imagery of the hindu sculpture and the christian painting on the overhead screen.

Look above and behind me yet the screen remains dark.

"Sorry" comes a crackling apology from Larry in the control booth on the opposite side of Club Labyrinth CONFIRM "We still have to work on that" he informs me.

Nod understanding at Larry, then turn my attention towards Roddy in the soundbooth.

"Hey, I don't think I like the way my voice is sounding in this room, could you make it less sharp?"

"Less sharp? Not sure what you mean, man." Roddy answers with upturned palms, the international symbol for uncertainty.

Turn away from him in frustration. Obviously he's not interested in working. What the hell is taking Ms. Cabal so long? Need her to stand right in the middle of the floor, right where the audience will be. She'd be able to deliver a perfect assessment of the acoustics, and specifically my voice, which has to rise above the music to a certain degree, or what's the point off all this?

More importantly, one stern look from Ms. Cabal directed at ol' Roddy and he'd be springing into action pronto.

Really have no place getting pissed at Roddy, Larry--or anyone else, not when flubbing lines like 'Amanita'. Can't be doing that during the actual performance--reading, whatever this is supposed to be. If I do, crowd will be muttering things like, "Who the hell wrote that book? Certainly not that bumbling bloke on stage! I demand to see the author! What, is he covered in spots?"

Never imagined my own writing would ever leave my nerves so shot.

Then again, never imagined I'd ever be reading anything I wrote in public.

And even more amazing--never imagine I'd be fronting my favorite band. For standing right behind me is Anarchistic Puppetry, generously foregoing their own vocals, songs and ego for an evening as they accompany me in this multimedia presentation to hype my book.

Came up with the idea 'round the time Ms. Cabal told me that there was going to be a premiere party a few days prior to the official release on Halloween.

Further inspired when she told me I was read a select passage from the Bye Bull, as a way to 'christen' the book.

And since it is that time of year for spooky costumes and haunted houses, seemed like it'd be true to the season to put on a bit of a show. Per uze, came to me in a sudden vision; All Hallow's Eve would best be represented by a passage from "Sex, Drugs & Christianity" accompanied by an incredible rock band with corresponding taboo visuals projected overhead.

Admittedly, I'm a little off-guard dealing with Puppetry in this setting--frankly am a tad intimidated. Been a fan of AP for so long, it's hard to suddenly be a...lead singer...or maybe 'conductor; works better in this context.

Conductor. That's what keyboardist/vocalist Eric 'Pus' Magnus called me when I first met the band. The 'Pus' is a playful play on his last name, not due to any bodily fluids discharging from his person. At least none seen so far.

The plan is for the band to jam spontaneously while I read; each member having wireless earphones, like a 'mini-monitor' in their ears, permitting them to hear every word I read (theoretically). Thus (theoretically) enabling them to improv according to both their individual and collective responses to what I'm reading.

"For what it's worth, I'm having trouble hearing you too, Darwin," drummer Brian Mulchay informs me.

"We'll add it to Roddy's to-do list," I shoot back. getting a rush just from a simple exchange with the drummer.

See, for me, even being a quasi-member of this band--however fleeting it may be--is choice, to be forever appreciated.

It's a gas to glance over my shoulder and catch a glimpse of guitarist extraordinaire Deuce Scanlon running through scales, 'warming up' as it were.

Same goes for bassist Burt (short for "Burton") Labianca, making sure he's in tune and his fingers are limber.

That's why we're not actually rehearsing; we want it to be genuinely spontaneous. Not worried in the least it's going to be a train wreck; if I fuck up, that's one thing, but Anarchistic Puppetry is going to sound good no matter what they play. They're the masters of dark improv, which is precisely what this setting requires.

They'll deliver the goods, it's just up to me. That's why rehearsing my lines till the bitter end.

Turn to the next page on the "script", dealing with the way christian hypocrisy regarding sex ironically drives up the rate of infidelity--or at least infidelity that is secretive and ultimately destructive. Wait till Larry turns his page, so he knows what image to project, and gird myself to deliver the first line...

When in enters Ms. Cabal...and a tall suave stylish chiseled chap on her arm. He's holding an object under his tailored coat that seems to be a painting, but it's covered up in such a way that I can't be sure.

But who cares about that--am suddenly drained, from the scabbards of jealousy piercing my side.

Why did Ms. Cabal have to do this to me now?

Why? Because she doesn't care about my feelings. She'll put me through hell, at any moment, when I least expect it, especially when I least expect it.

Have to be professional and push all distracting thoughts and emotions from my mind. She'd tolerate nothing less; I'm expected to rise above it and carry forth waving the anti-christian banner.

Have no choice besides; here she comes, gliding across the empty space of the dance floor that will (hopefully) be later filled with a slice of my readership. Her dashing male companion in tow like he's led on a leash--but that's just what I hope for--they're actually arm-in-arm.

Taking the side steps that lead up to the stage like she owns the place, Ms. Cabal and her toy saunter past the band like they're not even there and stand before me.

"Good evening, Darwin. Congratulations on your big night, I trust you realize the importance of an impressive showing this evening."

"Hello, Ms. Cabal. And yes, I do realize what it means, that's why I'm going over the passage now, so it sounds smooth."

"See that it does." She says that like she heard me flubbing some of the words earlier. But that's impossible
.
Change the subject by gesturing to the members of the band, "Thank you for your help in making all this happen."

With a wave of her hand, she dismisses my gratitude with refrigerator cool, "Publicizing your book is my job, Darwin."

Then, as if an afterthought, she turns to the young man to her left, "Darwin, this is Stefan Cloutier; his first novel is about to be published by Apogee."

"Pleased to meet you," Stefan says in what must be a charming French Canadian accent.

Shake his hand and and offer insincere congratulations. Truth is, am one hundred percent jealous of him; it's like Ms. Cabal discarded me for a taller younger, better looking, French version of the "hot new author on the scene".

Not to mention he's got one of the handshakes I hate, the kind where he squeezes your hand way too tight. Wonder if he squeezes any part of Ms. Cabal too tight...

Decide to take a little shot at him, "Writer, eh? Thought you were a painter," gesturing to the apparent canvas he holds.

Ms. Cabal corrects me with a rare trace of resentment: "You have yet to meet the person who painted this, Darwin. You will, however."

Sounds more like a threat than a promise.

"Stefan, move over so you're standing in front of Darwin. When he sees this for the first time, I want him to be situated at the ideal angle in which to properly take in the totality of this painting that was especially commissioned for him by me."

(Secretly glad to see she treats Stefan like worm food, too. If she was treating him as some kind of 'equal'-that would have been more than I could stand, though I'd struggle to put into words exactly why that is so).

Not sure I'm up for all that responsibility, but too late--Stefan shifts directly in front of me, with Ms. Cabal to his left. Ms. Cabal gestures arcanely, and that cues Stefan to carefully removes the cloth covering from the object in sync with her proclamation:

"Darwin Grimm, behold your vision of what was and what is to come. Behold, FireWheel."




FireWheel! That's my FireWheel. It's the FireWheel from my fantasies of a few months back, before I started writing the book. Reckon it's fitting I'd be confronted by the same image at this party celebrating the completion of the book.

Of course, that thought only serves to distract from the shock of seeing the precise image that reoccurred in numerous visions of mine last winter, the first time was on that xmas eve, the night my life began to change. If I had to pinpoint it to a single night, that's it.

That's why the FireWheel image is so damn significant to me. Sure, symbols are for the symbol minded but it's a symbol that resonates with me on a personal level that is wholly sincere and not manipulative in the least (the manipulative use of symbols is perhaps their greatest danger, when they're used in lieu of actual ideas in order to further a particular agenda).

If it would be possible for a piece of art to be beyond perfection, it would be this painting held before me.

It's as if my imagination was poured out onto that canvas.

It's the blazing FireWheel, with every last detail captured to vivid perfection; the fiery spokes are just as I experienced them in those repeated hallucinatory episodes.

At least I'm assuming they were hallucinatory; it's possible they were somehow externally projected. Because in some of the instances, I can't imagine what would have caused the hallucinations.

"I don't understand. Where did this come from?"

"I commissioned a rather prominent San Francisco artist to paint it for you. Somehow the image seemed an appropriate analogue to your life and work."

"Somehow..." is the only word that crosses my lips in response. I don't even thank Ms. Cabal.

No matter, she never expects--or regards--my appreciation for anything.

Have learned something in knowing her all these months.

But not about to get bogged down in my mixed and mixed-up feelings for Ms. Cabal.

My entrancement for the painting is all-encompassing.

Not unlike a zombie, I take the painting from Stefan's over-compensating tight grip and march out to the stage with it.

On the way I encounter a stagehand and make a request: "Can I get any kind of stand or easel to put this painting on?"

He nods affirmation and scurries off to locate it.

Walk right up to the center-stage microphone and stand on my mark. Turn around, just as the stagehand approaches with the stand for the painting.

I smile appreciation and place the painting on the freshly fetched stand.



I have the painting placed directly behind me; that way if someone is looking at me, the author, they'll be looking at FireWheel.
DON\T READ FROM THE ACTUAL BOOK, SAVING THAT EXPERIENCE


"One topic that's part of Sex, Drugs and Christianity is examining christianity in the context of culture, including modern pop culture, as it were. I'm sure I'll be labeled a "pop philosopher," so I'm in good company."

Draw a round of laughs with that one. Thought it wise to go with the self-deprecation, it balances out the impression this evening is "all about me". I take the ideas seriously, but not myself.

But one reoccurring theme you find through the history of story telling and literature, the antecedents of today's television and movies, is a "spirit" or "ghost" of a deceased human aiding some human person in some activity.

This expression satisfies the human urge to not only achieve an afterlife, but that one's "soul" still has awareness, interest in and is ready willing and able to participate in human affairs.

The notion of "interest" is particularly, well, interesting, because it seems like having achieved the state of soul, disconnected from this physical reality, with all its residual pain and suffering, the soul would be ready willing and able to move on to bigger and better planes of existence.

But no, according to most authors and Hollywood, dwellers in the aferlife are first and foremost concerned with impacting the physical world they once inhabited.

And if we do reside in a "Christian Nation" as we're so often reminded by politicians and the mainstream media, why then, are so many movies and rock albums centered around themes of Satan, the devil and evil in general?

It's the same reason serial killers and high profile criminals become pop culture celebrities; because they appeal to an individual's instinct/sense of rebellion, of living outside the boundaries that society has established, they live vicariously through the criminal/killer's acts.

It also ties in with people's fascination with death, and accepting the inevitably of death, both concepts having been promulgated by christianity over the millennia."

DARWIN WILL HAVE A VISION
The audience is transformed, along with me, we are no longer in a bookstore, speaker-to-audience, but rather, mutual inhabitants of a futuristic dwelling

"Is there a direct correlation between christianity and drugs? Many scholars and researchers have posited that there is abundant references to cannabis in the Old Testament--called keneh bosem in Hebrew--better known to you as marijuana-such as in Exodus, and cannabis oils appear to have been regularly used in coronation rites of Jewish kings, until it was stamped out by Jeremiah, who apparently wasn't a very cool bullfrog."

My pop culture crack gets the audience going. Ms. Cabal schooled me in that regard, the importance of humor in keeping the audience engaged, rather than leading them through a dry desert valley of droning pendantry. Just like I do in the book. That's what they've come to expect from me. And while I don't like to make it a habit to have to meet the expectations of others, for the time being, I will do so, being so new at all this.

"Then, the early christian sects--which were later stamped out as heretical--used
cannabis and other hallucinogenic and proto psychedelic drugs in their rituals. The obvious intent of this use was to experience states of religious ecstasy, the old "talking to god" routine. In reality, these early stoned christians were actually talking to themselves, as they reflect a portion of Absolute Awareness from which all things ultimately emanate.

“Any spoken essay entitled ‘Sex Drugs and Christianity’ has to deal with the sexier, dark side of christianity. I am, of course, referring to the devil. And the devil and rock ‘n’ roll, specifically, heavy metal, have always gone together.

A smattering of applause breaks out, mostly from those dressed all in black, a few with goth affectations


“I’ve attracted some Satanists, but is that really a surprise?” I quip off the cuff and that draws a smattering of laughter...from the non-goth

“If christianity originated in part as a manifestation of humanity’s hatred of life, then the devil/satan surely arose from humanity’s hatred of accepting responsibility themselves and their hatred of coming to the logical conclusion of assigning the responsibility to their god almighty of creating evil/devil

Some laughs for that line, which I appreciate

“The devil allows man to attribute acts of evil to diabolical spirits and demonic possession (or just the “presence of evil” in general for less heinous acts). Satan also allows the christian to falsely portray their ultimate deity as being purely good and not the cause of evil. Of course, logic dictates that if their god is the creator of all things (even though “he” is not, but I’m playing angel’s advocate here), then it follows god is the creator of evil.

“However, in order to control the thoughts and actions of the general public, christianity must portray the devil as the source of evil in the world. To be associated with good, to be considered moral, one must be aligned with christianity. To be associated with the evil, well, you get the picture…

“And what of that other symbol of evil…and sex, the snake? You know, the one that appeared in the garden of eden and coerced Eve into taking a fateful bite of that apple? The fruit of knowledge, by the way. According to the book of genesis, that serpent was not the devil. But christians have interpreted said snake to be the devil manifest as the tempting serpent.

“The disobedience of Adam and Eve of course led to Paul marking this as original sin, denying all humans to follow a chance at eternal salvation—until christ came along and somehow granted man release from that by sacrificing himself in the crucial fiction known as the crucifixion. Doesn’t that seem like a lot of trouble for god to go to when he was allegedly controlling the show from the get go?”

My rhetorical question generates some rhetorical chuckling from those beyond the squint of my increasing near-sightedness

"Just as christianity itself was a reinterpretation of Mithraism, so too was the fearsome devil of biblical lore a product of an earlier mythology. In the old testament, god is said to have subjugated Leviathan, a monstrous dragon--or serpent--who dared to challenge the authority of the most high.

"But this is merely a retelling of the previous Babylonian mythos in which the god Marduk bests the giant lizard Tiamat, who sought to overthrow the gods.

"In the end, it is christianity that has elevated satan/devil/lucifer to the status of a god; in the jewish faith, the devil was not granted near-equal status to christ as he was in the new testament, when satan nearly tempts christ in the desert CONFIRM

"This...deification of the devil, if you will, represents the flawed dualism christianity imposes upon matters spiritual. Ultimately, all things are one, as corny and/or implausible as that may sound to many, if not most of you."

But surprisingly, not a lot of hostility towards that tangent. Maybe I shouldn't be afraid to discuss such metaphysical matters as the tour progresses.

"The mushroom slides you saw earlier depict the drug culture origins of christianity, but of course all official churches deny those pagan origins and denounce drugs. Their moral position on drugs is not an organic expression of their spiritual precepts but rather just a manifestation of social policy as a whole. If drugs were legal, the church would endorse them. Is there any doubt?

"And what about the sexual hypocrisy of christianity's morality? Not just when it comes to catholicks and their endless scandals and cover ups but also the whole abortion issue, which is discussed at length in the essay on women. We all come from sex, but sex is the biggest hang-up of every religion.

"There will never be sane drug policies and a fully healthy sexual culture. With all the child molestation and porn and sexual violence, a christian dominated culture which suppresses everything hasn't gotten the job done.

"That's why, as in all other matters that impact the culture in a profound manner, christianity needs to step aside, it's had 2000 years--including every year christian white males have owned the land we now call America--it's time for a new perspective."

More than a smattering of applause, think I've won over some of Ms. Cabal's friends.

POSSIBLE CONTRIVED SCENARIO CONCOCTED BY MS CABAL WHERE SHE FLIRTS WITH ME AND STEFAN CATCHES US AND GOES AFTER ME, WHICH MS. CABAL USES AS JUSTIFICATION FOR GETTING A BODYGUARD

"Really I could go on for hours about sex and christianity, it probably deserved its own essay. If I had time to rewrite the book, that's the only thing I'd probably change, give the issue of 'sex and christianity' its own essay.

"But before I left the stage, I did want to bring up one thing...

"And that's the bird and the bees"

More than a few laughs from the audience and AP responds in kind by playing 'buzzing' music

Glance over my shoulder and send a grin their way before resuming:

"See, some of you laughed, and that's because it is a childish way of looking at sex. And I don't mean because it's a metaphor used to explain sex to kids, but rather that it's indicative of our entire culture's hang-ups regarding sex. Sex isn't looked at as an act of spiritual transcendence--which it certainly can be, but rather, something the common animal engages in.

"And we have christianity to thank for that.